Christmas Letter 2019

December, 2019

To All Our Family and Friends:

I am writing to inform you that it appears I am going to be impeached this Christmas. That’s the talk around the House these days. It appears I have done things over the past year in my own self-interest. 2019 has been nothing but a mere quid-pro-quo of activities or so it seems. Below are the accusations being leveled against me.

Scandalous events on foreign soil: We sent Mac to the Netherlands to study for his law degree this semester. While attending “most” of his classes, Mac has been seen in several other European countries attending events that are questionable at best. The most scandalous event would be the Jaguars/Texans game in London. It has not been confirmed but it is suspected that Mac actually wore Jaguar fan gear to the game. “I had a jacket on the whole time, but the front was unzipped. Maybe somebody saw something, I really can’t say.” It has also been confirmed that Mac’s girlfriend, Tina, took a job in London as an au pair for the semester. While Mac suggests they both had opportunities abroad there should be no suspicion of favorable treatment towards anyone. Needless to say they have been seen across the continent together. People at home are waiting to see where this may lead.

Peddling Influence: Lucy worked her dream job this summer as a staff member for Wilderness Trail. Only one week into orientation and before any actual hiking took place, she injured herself in a wicked game of human foosball. She could not walk, much less perform her duties as a hike leader for several weeks and sat around at the basecamp for most of the summer. In spite of this setback and being paid for nothing, she was rehired for this coming summer. While it is true that I have served on the Board for WT, I have had no influence nor played any part in the hiring of staff. My phone records are currently being subpoenaed.

Separating families, putting children in cages, and forcing child labor: Jay is a senior in high school. He claims he has been forcibly separated from his brother and sister and “caged” at home while they are free and enjoying all that life has to offer. We also make him work. He is a busboy at the nicest restaurant in town and has his own Helping Hands business where he does odd jobs for people. His client base is mostly the retired and elderly population of our church. While I don’t openly promote his business, he does have business cards in the reception area of the church office.

Dereliction of Duty: It has been at least three (maybe four) years since I wrote a Christmas letter. Alyson says I only have one job each year at Christmas and I have failed to do it. This has led to a deep divide and polarization among the family. She says that unless one goes out this year she is going to withhold more than just funding for projects. Please let her know you received this letter.

Shameless self-promotion: I believe this charge to be without merit. I have not mentioned that I wrote a book this year that will be available on Amazon in January. Nowhere in this letter have I mentioned the title, The Campaign: Good News for a Partisan World. Nor have I described the book as a look at the Gospel of Mark through the lens of a political campaign. I have not suggested that the timing of this book would be perfect for small groups, Sunday school classes, or individual enjoyment as we head into an election year. And I have certainly not told anyone that might be interested in buying a copy to keep their eyes on my Facebook page for its release date.

I continue to maintain that this whole process of impeachment and Christmas letter writing is a sham promulgated by those who refuse to accept that the world has elected to go with email and social media. I’m not sure what the outcome of my impeachment process will be, but I am confident that Christmas will be merry – for me at least. I have worked hard all year to make it so!

Merry Christmas!